The designer felt his original mission text needed to "up its game" in the new release. I saw opportunities to broaden the story and enliven the angels and setting while keeping the tone intact. The following are "before and after" examples, starting with the client's text followed by my revision. Notes on what was accomplished with each change are also included.

Campaign missions are written in 2nd Person Present tense.

Example 1

In this scene, the angel's have defeated a powerful enemy who was once an ally, but had turned to darkness.

Client's Original Text:

Once a powerful ally, you are crestfallen at Droxael’s forsaking of the King of Kings. That such an angel would turn traitor, and for what? A short command of hideous creatures, followed by an eternity of damnation. Though you won the battle, you are still crushed by what has become of one of your beloved brethren, and as you return to the sanctuary there is no jubilation in your success, only remorse for what was lost.

Still, a glimmer of hope for what is to come pierces the thought, and you look around at your team, encouraging yourself in the two-thirds of all angels that chose what was good over rebellion.

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The previous text describes the aftermath of the battle, but needed to carry more emotional weight.

My Revised Version:

Michael says nothing, but the smoke of Droxael’s passing hangs in the air as a cloud of black stench. The commander walks toward the wispy plume and it dissipates as he passes through.

“We took sweet council together, he and I. And walked to the House of God side by side.” Michael pauses by the door. There he places his great sword into the sheath at his back. “Why did you turn traitor, Droxael? For what? A short command of these hideous creatures, followed by an eternity of damnation?” Michael turns and looks at you, a sadness not often seen over his face. “I am crestfallen,” he says, and leaves the silent pub.

Little comfort can be offered to him. Though you’ve won the battle, you are all crushed by what has become of your beloved brother. You leave the Turning Dirt Pub together, and as you walk the last miles to the sanctuary there is no jubilation.

Today’s ruby sun settles over the western edge of town, and a glimmer of hope pierces your thoughts like those early sunrays that split the dark morning fog.

Many angels chose what was good over rebellion.

The revision shows the angel's reaction to the heavy situation. Here, you can see gleams of Michael's personality - he is experienced, even ancient, but also innocent. He and the rest of the angels are measured and deliberate with their actions and words, even when they seem out of place in modern dialog. This helps brings the angels to life, while simultaneously highlighting their separation from the human world.

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In the following scene, the angel's are exploring the town of Fallbrook and meet an important NPC.

Client’s Original Text:

Dawn’s light takes a while to filter through the fog surrounding the town, but once it does, you don your human visage and make your way out of the sanctuary. From previous encounters you know that your disguise is effective against demons — as long as you maintain a low profile and don’t take any action that causes you to stand out. That might be a harder ask for those in your party whose duties have kept them away from humankind since their creation... Your thoughts are disrupted by a desperate woman up ahead, begging those passing by for help. A distinct unease passes over you as you start making your way towards her, she is not merely being ignored by the early risers on the street but is hissed at, called vile names, and even pushed to the ground by a young man as he rushes past. You have not seen this level of heartlessness for many years and cannot understand why she is treated in this way.

As you reach down to help her back to her feet, she grabs hold of your arm and implores you to find her missing teenage daughter. You assure her that you will find her child, and she collapses on a nearby shop’s porch, sobbing. It is quickly decided that the only way to minister to the distraught mother is to begin the search for the girl with haste. Silently praying for direction, your prayer is received and immediately an image forms in your mind — the abandoned mine outside of town.

As you reach down to help her back to her feet, she grabs hold of your arm and implores you to find her missing teenage daughter. You assure her that you will find her child, and she collapses on a nearby shop’s porch, sobbing. It is quickly decided that the only way to minister to the distraught mother is to begin the search for the girl with haste. Silently praying for direction, your prayer is received and immediately an image forms in your mind — the abandoned mine outside of town.

My Revised Version:

Dawn treads through the gulf of pallid fog and releases its hold on the day. The molten clouds part and reveal an azure sky. Birds sing, and the sun glistens over the dewy grass. You join the awakening creation and give glory to the God of Heaven.

You close the sanctuary doors quietly behind you as not to disturb the sleeping shepherd, and make your way from the grounds. Your human disguise—the embodiment, as it’s called—will hide you from demons as long as you do nothing that would make you stand out.

Today, you intend to travel into town and investigate it further. Perhaps this mystery will unravel on its own.

After traversing many streets busy with vehicles of strange craft—without a horse or chariot among them!—and a large number of odd glances from city laborers, you enter an area called ‘downtown’. This place seems to be a kind of market where townsfolk come to trade wares and services. The buildings are architecturally sound though nondescript, and pale against the gleaming cathedrals of old. And while the prayer is indeed weak here as elsewhere in town, nothing about downtown suggests anything truly remarkable is happening. Just then, a prayer reaches your ears. So strong, you see its yellow light shooting upward into the sky past the morning sun.

Please, Lord. Where is Rachel? Oh God, help me! the prayer pleads.

Then you see: A desperate woman up ahead is begging those passing by her on the sidewalk for help. But something unusual is occurring.

As you approach, you see she is not merely being ignored by the others, but she is hissed at, called vile names, and finally pushed to the concrete by a young man rushing past. You haven’t seen this kind of heartlessness for some time and can’t understand why she’s being treated this way.

“Please, let me aid you,” you say, and reach down to help her back to her feet. She grabs hold of your arm.

“Please! Help me find my daughter. She’s run off again and the police won’t help! No one will help!”

“We will aid you. Rest.” Christine says as she comforts her with a calming touch. “What is your name?”

The woman takes a breath at the touch and seems to calm slightly. “Karen,” she says, “My daughter’s name is Rachel. She won’t listen to me anymore. She’s 18 so the police won’t look for her. Something terrible could have happened, I know it. She’s so depressed.” The woman sits on the porch of the nearest shop and begins to sob.

You realize the only way to minister to the distraught mother is to begin the search for her daughter with haste. You silently pray for direction and your prayer is received—an image forms in your mind—an abandoned silver west of town.

“She is in a mine,” you say to your party, and to Karen: “We will find her.”

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Thick narration has been parsed out into bite-sized morsels and dialogue while still holding the interesting atmosphere. This passage created many opportunities for world-building and character-development for PC's and NPC's alike. The reader has been given a window into Karen and her personality, she will feel more like a real person when she appears later.